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My first date with Smith Curren:

My second date with Smith Curren:

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Leading a double life

I would like to focus on my conflicting emotions that comes from hiring companions. Since I've become fascinated with this new world and subculture, I feel like I now live a double life.

My family and friends know nothing of my hiring male escorts. I know I could NEVER tell my mom, even though we're best friends (sometimes we're our worst enemies too), and my best female friend. In fact, I had to open a separate Twitter account for a brief period of time (it has now since been closed) since I was following a couple of my male escort friends on my business/semi-personal account and she also follows me there. I didn't want her and the people I do business with to start asking me questions, even though I have 1,400+ followers so far.

There is a side of me that is torn about what I have done. I don't regret it, but I still have that "traditional" side of me that longs for a long-term relationship with one man, maybe even marriage, or a family, although I've resisted having children (I may skimp on various other areas of my life, but the one thing I am "religious" about is birth control). I don't know if I'll ever have kids. If I do, it would have to be with someone really special that I could see myself growing old with.

My parents are divorced. Hell, most of the people I know come from broken homes. Ironically, my views of marriage have changed since I've been single. I've never felt so strongly about monogamy, commitment, and marriage than ever before. I'm all for it. I know a couple I've been working with here in Vegas on some business projects and they are two of the sweetest people that I know. I see how happy, positive, and in love they are after being together for six years. I really hope they make it and nothing bad ever happens to their marriage. I hope I can celebrate their diamond wedding anniversary with them. My first ex and I talked about marriage, but we never took steps to make it a reality.

I've always been in long-term relationships. I have trouble with one-night stands. I wish I could be hard emotionally and not feel anything, but it's tough. I met a guy through CL from Florida who posted an ad in the "Casual Encounters" section. I've always had a fantasy about hooking up with a stranger and going up with him to his hotel room. I thought I could handle it. "No big deal, I'll have my fun, and leave. People do it all the time. After all, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?" Wrong. I should have known what I was getting into, but I thought I would come out of it emotionally unscathed.

I should have gotten the heads up that he called himself by a pseudonym instead of his real name in his email (which I found out later when I met him in person), and that he had a quote from Cool Hand Luke on his voicemail instead of his own voice (seriously). We met at New York New York where he was staying (I have a real aversion to that place now) and we had lunch at the Chinese restaurant there. He seemed intelligent, well-spoken, interested in what I had to say, and was a good listener (all the hallmarks of a true player - the less you mention about sex, the better - right, fellas?). He told me he was divorced. Who knows if he was telling the truth?

Afterwards we went to the bar and had a drink. Ironically, I was the one who mentioned sex first, but I suspect this was his M.O. all along, to use reverse psychology to get me to go to bed with him. When we kissed, it was just okay. I never kissed someone who smoked before, but it wasn't too bad. The only thing that bothered me was that I tried to embrace him and he didn't embrace me back. I should have stopped right then and there. I'm a naturally affectionate person, and I like to hold someone, regardless if I'm in love with him or not. Nevertheless, I let him have his way with me anyway.

It wasn't too terrible. He was adequate and he did please me to some degree. He kept asking me if I wanted him to stop. By then I was already too aroused to tell him no, so I let him keep going. The actual act was nothing to write home about. He was "meh". He got what he wanted and I felt like I would never see him again. He did ask if he could call me the next day, but I told him I was going to my friend's baby shower (which was true).

The day after that I tried to call him and sent him an email. He didn't call me back, but he did send an email back saying he wasn't available and he was going to try to come back to Vegas in the future, but he never did. I made the mistake of liking him and having feelings for him, so it hurt when he never contacted me again. I did, however, give him a piece of my mind in an angry email that he never answered.

Ever since that experience, one night stands are out for me. If that's your cup of tea, more power to you, but I can't deal with them. I felt like I had been used for a piece of ass. When my mom found out, she freaked (unfortunately, she came to live with me for an extended period of time - long story). I will NEVER mention my sex life to my mom again. How mortifying! :-(

I feel guilty for deceiving her, making up lies so I could go out with my companions, and for hiding this secret from my closest friends, but I have to. I can't possibly tell them. It's fun to keep a secret, in a way, because it's something "forbidden" in my mind that no one knows about, but at the same time, I don't like lying to anyone, especially those I love and care about. Since my mom's been living with me, I feel like a rebellious teenager again. When I was living alone, the thought of hiring an escort was something I never acted upon. Life is funny sometimes, huh?

Which brings me back to my original topic - hiring companions. Obviously I was extremely happy and satisfied with my last encounter and I plan many more in the future, but I know it cannot last forever. (Plus, it can be very expensive, and I'm certainly not wealthy - at least, not yet). Honestly, all I want is someone to be there with me everyday, not just for an evening, but for a lifetime. Not just for flirting and sexual adventures, but the real thing.

So I compartmentalize my life and feel like I have a split personality - the "good girl" who searches for true love, faithfulness, and a steady, solid relationship and the sexually-charged, flirtatious, "bad girl" siren part of me that enjoys having these secret trysts that no one knows about. One day I hope to share the good and bad sides of my personality with one very lucky man. :-)

It's all very strange and new to me, but I plan to enjoy it as much as I can. It's better than being hurt by a stranger, that's for sure.

The extreme case - "Bad Girl" by Madonna, co-starring Christopher Walken, directed by David Fincher from Erotica (1992). Anyone who said she was a bad actress apparently never saw this music video.