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Friday, October 2, 2009

Companionship and The "L" Word - Part 2

Here I am, blogging about this again. I decided to explore the other scenario - if I never saw my companion again.

I didn't want to go there, but I felt like I had to. Another member on CDM posted something today about how once she felt like she was starting to have feelings for her companion, and how she found something she didn't like about him so she wouldn't have those feelings. I already know what it is I don't like, so perhaps I shall use that. She talked about the "bonding" hormones that are released after sex and how she started to feel sad that her companion had to leave. I admit, I felt sad afterwards, but I was able to shrug it off at the time. (Damn you, men! How come it's never an issue for you? Why do we women have to have this problem? LOL)

Or, the other difficult scenario, saying goodbye forever. If one day it becomes too hard to bear, and I do say goodbye, then it will also be goodbye to all of this: my blog, Twitter, and having anything to do with the subculture/alternative lifestyle. It would be cut permanently out of my life. I would have to make a clean break.

As I mentioned before, I feel like I lead a double-life that is exciting and thrilling, yet confusing and strange at the same time. As much as I like tweeting about sex with total strangers on my Companionista account, honestly, I will admit, I do sit down sometimes and think, "How can these people live like this?"

I have a high sex drive and I'm not a saint. I've done some things that aren't the most ethical, but I'm not promiscuous by any means. They, however, revel in their hedonism and aren't ashamed of it. More power to you as long as you're responsible and not hurting anybody, but I don't approve of it, personally. That's not who I am and I stand by own moral code. Lately, I have been questioning whether my moral code is the right one.

I could go out there and screw everything that moves, but I choose not to. I had a one-night stand with a stranger. Did I feel good about it? NO! So I don't understand why people have to get paid for it. I mean, we all have to earn our daily bread. I am trying not to judge you all. I know you gotta do what you gotta do, especially in these rough economic times. Maybe I am really a "closet conservative" like one follower said on Twitter. He also said I should "embrace" my alternative lifestyle. I don't know if I can give in completely to the "dark side". o.O

Does this make me a boring person? Am I a prude? Am I brainwashed by society? Have I been indoctrinated into society's norms? Are my values and morals just standing in my way? Should I just fuck anyone that's out there? Is marriage, monogamy, and faithfulness old-fashioned and outdated? Have I been wrong to want these things all these years? I know human beings are not naturally monogamous and maybe society is wrong? Now I am asking myself these questions and I have no answers. I don't want to feel like a hypocrite, but maybe I am.

Which brings me back to the hard choice: not seeing my companion again. Well, as I stated before, perhaps the scenario can be avoided by dating other men and facing the truth that a companion is not a boyfriend, and doing everything in my power to ignore the fact that he will see other people. Emotions have no place in an arragement like this - only fun and excitement without messy complications. That's how it should be.

I have my fantasies just like anyone else. Fantasies are harmless, safe, and can be controlled. Real life cannot. Nine times out of ten when I have acted my fantasies out I have been bitterly disappointed. Very rarely is real life better than a fantasy. One such occasion happened with my companion. If I experienced something that amazing once, it is only natural I would want to experience it again and again (or at least until I go broke LOL).

We can't always get everything we want in this life. That is the sad truth, my friends. I failed to get this other man to fall in love with me before I met my companion, and it devastated me. I am slowly getting over it. I realize it will never happen, and that's okay. I may have failed with someone else, but there has to be someone out there for me somewhere.

Till then, ignorance is bliss.